Satire: Dear George Mason

Advice from our school's namesake.

Truman Lapp, Staff Reporter

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Dear George Mason, I’m finding it hard to manage all of my grades with some being in PowerSchool and some being in the Schoology grade book. What should I do? Sincerely, Stressed

Dear Stressed, 

I have little or no idea what you are talking about. What is PowerSchool? Is it operated by hand or machinery? However, I am familiar with the feeling of having my papers and notes of importance feeling disorganized. My solution when I find myself feeling flustered is to take a step back from my worldly problems. Perhaps take a horse-drawn carriage ride with the people you value most. Churn some butter to help take your mind off your troubles. And above all, avoid people with measles. Being afflicted with that cursed disease can be awfully stressful.

Dear George Mason, I want to ask a girl I like to the Homecoming dance, but I’m feeling nervous. How do I ask her in a way that won’t be awkward? Sincerely, Anxious.

Dear Anxious, 

You have come to the exact right person for your troubles. I have, after all, been to my fair share of elegant balls. When pursuing the accompaniment of a fair and kind damsel, make sure to speak clearly and avoid stuttering or muttering. Avoid asking in front of her compatriots, and instead approach her alone, avoiding embarrassment. The weirder you make it, the weirder it will be.  

Finally, be sure to bring her father the appropriate gift so he will allow his daughter to accompany you. A gift of livestock or freshly picked wheat from a recent harvest will be a perfect way to win his approval. Avoid giving gunpowder, as that can make things rather explosive.

Dear George Mason, my friends in math class are picking the lessons up really fast. For me, they’re going way over my head! I’m worried that I’ll get teased if I ask a question. What should I do? Sincerely, Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

Never be afraid to ask questions! Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. No one knows everything, and chances are that there are things that you know that your friends don’t. When I was a young man, I had to ask George Washington to help me fasten my wig! I was embarrassed at first, but as Confucius once said, “He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever. “ 

(Also, for your information, I later had to help Washington to fasten his dentures. We agreed to never tell another man about the help we both required, but rules are made to be broken.)

If any students want to ask Mr. Mason questions, please submit them to the form here.