Satire: The Universe reveals that March was all just an April Fool’s Day prank

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Rosario "Charo" Gutierrez

Coronavirus Disease 2019. (Photo Courtesy of U.S. Air Force)

Sam Mostow and Liam Timar-Wilcox

The Universe revealed that March was one massive, cruel April Fool’s Day prank after one of the longest, most chaotic months to date. In its apology statement, The Universe agreed to rewind the world back to the start of 2020.

“Sorry, y’all, I didn’t know that I would cause all of this,” The Universe said. “My bad.”

March was plagued by the outbreak of the novel coronavirus (COVID-19) in the United States and around the world. Locally, all Virginia schools were closed for the rest of the school year and IB exams were canceled. In addition, the stock market plummeted and closed out the worst first quarter in history. Three million Americans filed for unemployment last week, smashing the previous record for most people filing for unemployment in a week by more than 1.5 million. Around the globe, sports have been canceled or postponed, including the Tokyo Summer Olympic Games, which were scheduled to be held in July.

The Universe has faced intense scrutiny and calls to resign over the course of the last month, with calls to end The Universe’s 4.5 billion year reign intensifying. However, The Universe has made it clear that it has no intention of resigning.

“I will stay right here and put the pieces back together,” The Universe said before leaving for its bunker on the sun for the next 3,000 years.