Satire: Ways to take advantage of the coronavirus outbreak

Hand+sanitizer+on+a+counter

Photo by Mr.TinDC via Flickr

A bottle of hand sanitizer sits on a counter. One way to take advantage of the coronavirus outbreak is to sell hand sanitizer at a markup.

Sam Mostow, Sports Editor

With school closed for the rest of the year due to the coronavirus outbreak, things are looking pretty bleak. However, it’s not all bad! Here are some ways to take the bad circumstances of this outbreak and put it to your advantage:

Fudging your resumé

If you’re planning on applying for college soon, then you know that your resumé is important. Use your spare time to add fake accomplishments to your resumé! (Ex: I was going to be captain of the lacrosse team).

Do your senior prank

Seniors–just because actual school is on hold doesn’t mean that your senior prank has to be, too! Let your imagination run wild (and stay six feet from everyone else at all times)!

Start a business to get people to pay you to show up to a Schoology conference

Wait, nevermind, I already did this! If you’re interested in paying me to show up to a Schoology conference on your behalf, please email me at [email protected]. It costs ten dollars per log-on per class. I accept Venmo, PayPal, and cash in my mailbox. 

Sell hand sanitizer at a markup

Do you have more hand sanitizer than you possibly need? Are you trying to think of your next get-rich-quick scheme? Then go to eBay and sell hand sanitizer for an exorbitant amount of money!

Try to rig senior superlatives

Chances are, if you’re reading this article, you’re pretty bored. Put your boredom to use by creating Google accounts and voting many, many times for yourself or a friend for each category.