Satire: Fantasy coronavirus, the perfect solution to the monotony of pandemic living

Eli Wildman, Staff Reporter

football player in ppe gear
Coronavirus has caused the NFL to adapt. So will fantasy sports. (Photo courtesy of Matthew Lin)

Sometimes in the age of coronavirus, you really just need some excitement. Just a break from the everyday drawl of the same routine every day. In steps the solution: fantasy coronavirus. If you don’t know, ESPN has a fantasy football app, where regular people, for free, can draft an offensive line-up of NFL players and go head to head with their friends. You can draft every skill position, and players get points for passing yards, touchdowns, and rushing/receiving yards. It sounds simple, but more that 59 million people worldwide play it. But as the season winds down, your team might not be doing too hot, with your interest in the league beginning to wind down.  

At the perfect moment, fantasy coronavirus launches. It’s really the perfect solution for the monotonous repetition of a normal day. It’s like fantasy football, only you get points for following protocols and other such things in the age of coronavirus. Likewise, you lose points for breaking such protocols. All you have to do is make a pool of your friends and family, the bigger the better. You hold a draft with your family (preferably a group of four), then once your teams are set you embark on an eight week regular season with your score being totaled every Sunday. The top two teams will face off for a week in the championship. 

The people participating as players in the league must record every protocol followed and every violation of these protocols for these 8 weeks. (A good way to hold people accountable is to take hostages. Or an honor pledge.) Unfortunately, I am not an advanced enough coder to accomplish something that calculates scores when you put in data, so as of now this must be done manually. Below is the conversion chart for calculating the scores. Best of luck to you all.

Ounces of hand sanitizer pumped: 1 pt per fluid ounce. (If you reach a gallon, you just take the win that week)

Time woken up before school starts: .1 for each minute before 7:59. (Maxes out at 5 per day) 

Masks worn the percentage of time outside: 20 total possible points (Take the percentage of mask time to time outside and divide by 5.)

Elbows bumped: .3 pts each 

Conferences with your camera on: 3 pts each 

“In these uncertain times” counter: 1 pts each (If I hear one more person say “in these uncertain times”…)

Unnecessary toilet paper bought: 5 pts for each additional package not needed