The Lasso

7 Back to School Products That Didn’t Make the Cut

Anna Tarter

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  1. Painfully Honest Notezbeating a dead horse - satire from the Lasso

Do you want to start the day off with a smile? Well, you can’t. With Painfully Honest Notez, you’ll get what you deserve. These notes are small and perpetually cute, decorated with pinterest-approved smiley faces and über cute borders. To top it off, each note comes with a totally inspirational saying! Some examples include “Get ready for that B,” “Someone out there thinks you’re tolerable,” “Maybe he’d like you if you were a little prettier,” “Try a breath mint, love Mom,” and “People will like you better if you change yourself.”

 

    2.) Sycophant Sync Up

Have your parents been bugging you to get that math grade up? You could actually study…or you could try Sycophant Sync Up, an app that instantly profiles your teachers based on their past social media comments and posts. All you have to do is type their name into our database, and within seconds, Sycophant Sync Up will provide a detailed report on all of their interests…which are suddenly your interests too! Happy brown nosing!

 

   3.) Complainer Calendar

Are you having trouble making conversation? Can’t find anything to talk about with your friends? Well, come on out and buy your first Complainer Calendar, each day you’re provided with a new topic to whine about. You can say goodbye to awkward “um… how are you?”s and say hello to “God, I hate how short Mustang block is.” Within seconds, you’re guaranteed to hear a chorus of groans followed by “I know right!” and “What, do they think we’re the Flash or something. I mean, how are we supposed to finish our homework in that amount of time?”

 

 4.) Obnoxo Watch

Did you forget to study for the test? Well, good news, Obnoxo Watch has got your back (and your wrist). With all-new, patented technology, Obnoxo is programmed to erupt into a loud buzzing noise whenever the room grows too quiet! Your teacher will instantly think someone is using their phone to cheat, and you’ll get that second chance to study…or browse Netflix for hours on end!

 

 5.) Ickk Pens:

Sick and tired of people stealing all your pens? Try Ickk pens. They run smoothly on paper, but are riddled with fake booger and bite marks on the outside, so only the most desperate students will ask to borrow them. Wanna have a little fun? Watch your victim’s face as they turn around and start to ask for a pen, but notice just how repulsive they are.

**Warning, these pens may cause a drop in social status and the amount of people who are willing to be seen with you in public

 

 6.) I Never Want To Get Out of Bed Alarm Clock

Are you a heavy sleeper? Do you need that extra push to get out of bed every morning? Well, the I Never Want To Get Out of Bed Alarm clock is loud, obnoxious, and it’s 100% guaranteed to make you yank the outlet so hard out of the wall, everyone in your house will be up in a second asking what happened. With two simple settings, I Never Want To Get Out of Bed Alarm Clock gently wakes you from your peaceful slumber by sobbing uncontrollably about her ex and that no-good girl he’s been hanging out with. The first of two settings is “…I.. Just… Can’t Believe he would… do that… We were soul mates… At the… very… least he could’ve… told me… what I was… doing wrong… and… I… would’ve changed…” For more heavy sleepers there is the “How dare he?! I named one of my cats after him for god’s sake! I should’ve listened to Mr. Fluffycuddles! I could tell by the way he licked up his water that morning that he knew I should break up with him!” setting.

 

 7.) EZ Calc

This calculator doesn’t actually solve math equations…it just answers all problems with bland SOL advice, such as “try your best,” or “You can do this!”

 

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7 Back to School Products That Didn’t Make the Cut