7 olympic events for students


Olympic finalists pose with their medals during the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics (Photo courtesy of unknown account via Flickr)

Anna Tarter, Managing Editor

1. Sycophant Scramblebeating a dead horse - satire from the Lasso

An elite group of athletes have trained their whole school career for this occasion. When time starts, Olympians rush to their laptops and fiercely dig through their teacher’s Facebook and various other social media accounts to gather as much information about their interests as possible. Next, the Olympians must bake their teacher a batch of their favorite cookies and attach a note to it. Cookies with personal messages, such as “math rules” and “I heart Mrs. Sherard” in a school subject-oriented tin, will gain bonus points. This is then judged by experts in the event, National Honors Society students, who look for both technique and style. For the execution part of the competition, athletes may join a club the teacher runs, and announce their plans to do so in front of this teacher. The winner is judged based on their boost in grade after the competition.


2. Vending Machine Marathon:

Athletes from around the school compete to find a functioning vending machine. With only five minutes before the teacher becomes suspicious of the student’s absence, Olympians must successfully purchase a bag of ChexMix from a vending machine around the school and return to their classroom without having a teacher question their whereabouts.


3. Hardly Homework Face-Off:

The heat is on, as olympians from around the school test their skills in this ultimate event of willpower. A timer is set, and students must resist the compulsion to navigate to Netflix and watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Most Olympians cannot hold on for more than thirty minutes, but some incredibly intense athletes can complete a quick math worksheet before giving in to a Youtube video about how to communicate with pandas, sweat drenching down their faces all the while.


4. Procrastination Marathon:

The clock is ticking, as a thirty question quiz is due in the Schoology drop-box in 5 minutes. Olympians compete to finish the quiz with the most accuracy, while still submitting it before the deadline runs out and they get a zero in the gradebook. With shaky wifi added in as a challenge, only the most intense athletes will prevail. For bonus style points, Olympians must complete this under their desk in another class while a teacher lectures.


5. Pencil Face off:

Athletes from around the school crank up the heat as they struggle to the end of the year with double sided pencils, eraser nubs and pencil shavings remarkably still preserved in their pencil cases since September. The more serious athletes will finish the first semester with only a little bit of bite marks on their pencils and another pen they stole from the lost-and-found.


6. Complainer Cash-In:

It’s been a month since the last complain-fest was held (midterm exams), but that doesn’t stop a select group of talented athletes from running their mouths. Some of the more competitive athletes will use the phrases “Why do finals have to be the last week of school…” and “Fairfax’s winter break was a week longer than ours.”


7. Mustang Block Battle:

Freshmen through seniors compete to accomplish the most work during Mustang Block. With the clock ticking and a cafeteria full of distractions, this challenging olympic event is only for the most trained and resilient of athletes. As an added bonus, olympians must resist a convincing offer to watch a Youtube video with their friend, and must dodge aggressive Snapchats and texts from friends, hoping to get them to loiter in the library with them.